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The Cranky Muse: Dating Tips For Guys

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The Cranky Muse Gives Dating Tips For Guys

When I don't have my pepper spray with me, I often get stopped on the street by guys who need dating advice. By "need" I mean they need advice badly, because they don't get any dates. Ever.

"I am a nice guy," they say, "and yet no women will go out with me. Why is that?"

The first thing I usually ask these guys is (unless it is already obvious--if it is, then I skip to the next part) Are You Gross? 'Cause if you are gross then it doesn't matter if you are "nice."

No guy has yet admitted that he is, indeed, gross. So, I take a step back (in case he gets all neanderthal pissy) and explain all I know about grossness and how being gross can negatively affect one's chances towards any semblance of female companionship.

If the guy sticks around, at the end of my speech his eyes have glazed over or else he looks close to tears.

The last time this happened, I decided I should write all this down. Then I can just print it off and hand it to people, rather than having to waste several minutes, minutes better spent enjoying white chocolate coffee drinks, petting small mammals, or spending quality time with the non-gross.

Without further ado, and before I speak directly about grossness, here are

The Cranky Muse's Dating Tips For Guys

1. Don't be gross*

2. Open her door but don't do it with flourish as if doing her a favor--you are instead opening her door acknowledging that she is queen.

3. Pay the bill. You are the one who asked her on a date. Rather than staying at home to get extra work done in preparation for tomorrow, she accepted. Don't be a cheapskate and expect dutch--that can come later in the relationship, but not now.

4. Keep your hands to yourself. This is actually part of Grossness, which I promise to explain later, but it bears repeating...always. She's give you big clues if she wants you to touch her. Otherwise, hands off.

5. Listen to her when she speaks.

6. Don't drown yourself in cologne. Fresh clothes, a shower, deodorant, and a toothbrush go a long long way. Some women are allergic to cologne, by the way. If you must wear cologne put a HINT only on... on your hind end or somewhere. P.S. Old Spice does not count as an acceptable fragrance for human beings--unless you want to remind the lady of her father, which would be gross and I am not going to give you any more advice, so begone with you.

7 Bring breath mints. Nerves and a good meal mean stinky breath, no matter who you are. I can guarantee that Brad Pitt Gets stinky breath sometimes.

8 Take her someplace nice. It does not have to be expensive, but it should be quiet and romantic and fun all in one. Burger King does not count, unless you are a young boy on your first date.

9. Make sure she gets in her house okay after the date (if it is at night. Don't just dump her off and say, "see ya." You don't necessarily have to walk her to the door--and...frankly...if the date has not gone super well, this isn't advisable anyway as it may make her wonder, uncomfortably, what you are planning. But do tell her you will wait to see she gets in okay.

How Not To Be So Darn Gross

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